Parenting & Developing Self Esteem

Parenting & Developing Self Esteem

1.Parenting Good communication is an important parenting skill. This page provides useful information and techniques for parents on how to communicate effectively with their children. Parenting can be more enjoyable when positive parent - child relationship is established. Whether you are parenting a toddler or a teenager, good communication is the key to building self-esteem as well a mutual respect.

• Let the child know that you are interested and involved and that you will help when needed.
• Turn off the television or put the newspaper down when your child wants to converse.
• Avoid taking a telephone call when the child has something important to tell you.
• Unless other people are specifically meant to be included, hold conversations in privacy. The best communication between you and the child will occur when others are not around.
• Embarrassing the child or putting him on the spot in front of others will lead only to resentment and hostility, not good communication.
• Don’t tower over your child. Physically get down to the child’s level then talk.
• If you are very angry about a behavior or an incident, don’t attempt communication until you regain your cool, because you cannot be objective until then. It is better to stop, settle down, and talk to the child later.
• If you are very tired, you will have to make an extra effort to be an active listener. Genuine active listening is hard work and is very difficult when your mind and body are already tired.
• Listen carefully and politely. Don’t interrupt the child when he is trying to tell his story. Be as courteous to your child as you would be to your best friend.
• Don’t be a wipe-out artist, unraveling minor threads of a story and never allowing the child’s own theme to develop. This is the parent who reacts to the incidentals of a message while the main idea is list: i.e., the child starts to tell about what happened and the parent says, "I don’t care what they are doing, but you had better not be involved in anything like that."
• Don’t ask why, but do ask what happened.
• If you have knowledge of the situation, confront the child with the information that you know or have been told.
• Keep adult talking ("You’ll talk when I’m finished." "I know what’s best for you." "Just do what I say and that will solve the problem"), preaching and moralizing to a minimum because they are not helpful in getting communication open and keeping it open.
• Don’t use put-down words or statements: dumb, stupid, lazy: "Stupid, that makes no sense at all" or "What do you know, you’re just a child."
• Assist the child in planning some specific steps to the solution.
• Show that you accept the child himself, regardless of what he has or has not done.
• Reinforce the child for keeping communication open. Do this by accepting him and praising his efforts to communicate.

Children thrive on positive attention. Children need to feel loved and appreciated. Most parents find that it is easier to provide negative feedback rather than positive feedback. By selecting and using some of the phrases below on a daily basis with your child, you will find that child will start paying more attention when u will try following .

Yes Good Fine Very good Very fine Excellent Marvelous
At-a-boy Right That’s right Correct Wonderful
I like the way you do that I’m pleased with (proud of ) you
That’s good Wow Oh boy Very nice Good work Great going
Good for you That’s the way Much better O.K.
You’re doing better That’s perfect Good idea What a cleaver idea
That’s it Good job Great job controlling yourself
I like the way you ______ I noticed that you ____ Keep it up
I had fun ______ with you You are improving at ______ more and more
You showed a lot of responsibility when you ______ Way to go
I appreciate the way you ______ You are great at that You're the best
Good remembering That’s beautiful I like your______
I like the way you ______ with out having to be asked (reminded)
I’m sure glad you are my son/daughter Now you’ve got it
I love you
You can SHOW them how you feel as well as tell them.
Smile Nod Part on shoulder, head, knee WinkSignal or gesture to signify approval High five Touch cheek
Tickle Laugh (with, not at) Pat on the back Hug

2.Helping Your Child Develop Self-Esteem

Self-esteem is a major key to success in life. The development of a positive self-concept or healthy self-esteem is extremely important to the happiness and success of children and teenagers. This page will share the basics for helping kids and teens to improve their self-esteem.

Self-esteem is how we feel about ourselves, and our behavior clearly reflects those feelings. For example, a child or teen with high self-esteem will be able to:

• act independently
• assume responsibility
• take pride in his accomplishments
• tolerate frustration
• attempt new tasks and challenges
• handle positive and negative emotions
• offer assistance to others
On the other hand, a child with low self-esteem will:
• avoid trying new things
• feel unloved and unwanted
• blame others for his own shortcomings
• feel, or pretend to feel, emotionally indifferent
• be unable to tolerate a normal level of frustration
• put down his own talents and abilities
• be easily influenced

When you feel good about your child, mention it to him. Parents are often quick to express negative feelings to children but somehow don't get around to describing positive feelings. A child doesn't know when you are feeling good about him and he needs to hear you tell him that you like having him in the family. Children remember positive statements we say to them.

Be generous with praise. Use what is called descriptive praise to let your child know when they are doing something well. You must of course become in the habit of looking for situations in which your child is doing a good job or displaying a talent. When your child completes a task or chore you could say, "I really like the way you straightened your room. You found a place for every thing and put each thing in its place." When you observe them showing a talent you might say, "That last piece you played was great. You really have a lot of musical talent." Don't be afraid to give praise often even in front of family or friends. Also, use praise to point out positive character traits. For instance, "You are a very kind person." Or, "I like the way you stick with things you do even when it seems hard to do." You can even praise a child for something he did not do such as "I really liked how you accepted my answer of 'no' and didn't lose your temper."

Teach your child to practice making positive self-statements. Self-talk is very important in everything we do. Psychologists have found that negative self-talk is behind depression and anxiety. What we think determines how we feel and how we feel determines how we behave. Therefore, it is important to teach children to be positive about how they "talk to themselves." Some examples of useful self-talk are: "I can get this problem, if I just keep trying." "It's OK if our team lost today. We all tried our best and you can't win them all." "It makes me feel good to help others even if the person doesn't notice or thank me." Your child can become an expert at this by listening

Avoid criticism that takes the form of ridicule or shame. Sometimes it is necessary to criticize a child's actions, and it is appropriate that parents do so. When, however the criticism is directed to the child as a person it can easily deteriorate into ridicule or shame. It is important to learn to use "I statements" rather than "You statements" when giving criticism. For instance say, "I would like you to keep your clothes in the proper place in your closet or drawers not lying all over your room;" rather than saying "Why are you such a lazy slob? Can't you take care of anything?"

Teach your child about decision-making and to recognize when he has made a good decision. Children make decisions all the time but often are not aware that they are doing so. There are a number of ways parents can help children improve their ability to consciously make wise decisions. Children make decisions all the time but often are not aware that they are doing so. There are a number of ways parents can help children improve their ability to consciously make wise decisions.

1. Help the child clarify the problem that is creating the need for a decision. Ask him questions that pinpoint how he sees, hears, and feels about a situation and what may need to be changed.
2. Brainstorm the possible solutions. Usually there is more than one solution or choice to a given dilemma, and the parent can make an important contribution by pointing out this fact and by suggesting alternatives if the child has none.
3. Allow the child to choose one of the solutions only after fully considering the consequences. The best solution will be one that solves the problem and simultaneously makes the child feel good about himself.
4. Later join the child in evaluating the results of that particular solution. Did it work out well? Or did it fail? if so, why? Reviewing the tactics will equip the child to make a better decision the next time around.
Develop a positive approach to providing structure for your child. All kids and teens need to accept responsibility for their behavior. They should learn self-discipline. To help children learn self-discipline, the parent needs to adopt the role of coach/teacher rather than that of disciplinarian and punisher.

Ten additional steps you can take to help your child develop a positive self-image:
1. Teach children to change their demands to preferences. Point out to children that there is no reason they must get everything they want and that they need not feel angry either. Encourage them to work against anger by setting a good example and by reinforcing them when they display appropriate irritation rather than anger
2. Encourage your children to ask for what they want assertively, pointing out that there is no guarantee that they will get it. Reinforce them for asking and avoid anticipating their desires.
3. Let children know they create and are responsible for any feeling they experience. Likewise, they are not responsible for others' feelings. Avoid blaming children for how you feel.
4. Encourage your children to develop hobbies and interests which give them pleasure and which they can pursue independently.
5. Let children settle their own disputes between siblings and friends alike.
6. Help your children develop "tease tolerance" by pointing out that some teasing can't hurt. Help children learn to cope with teasing by ignoring it while using positive self-talk such as "names can never hurt me," "teases have no power over me," and "if I can resist this tease, then I'm building emotional muscle
7. Help children learn to focus on their strengths by pointing out to them all the things they can do.
8. Encourage your children to behave toward themselves the way they'd like their friends to behave toward them.
9. Help your children think in terms of alternative options and possibilities rather than depending upon one option for satisfaction. A child who has only one friend and loses that friend is friendless. However, a child who has many friends and loses one, still has many. This same principle holds true in many different areas. Whenever you think there is only one thing which can satisfy you, you limit your potential for being satisfied! The more you help your children realize that there are many options in every situation, the more you increase their potential for satisfaction.
10. Laugh with your children and encourage them to laugh at themselves. People who take themselves very seriously are undoubtedly decreasing their enjoyment in life. A good sense of humor and the ability to make light of life are important ingredients for increasing one's overall enjoyment.

NEVER LABEL A CHILD AS SHY.

The way that a parent or teacher labels a child is the same way that the child will come to label herself. Label her shy and that is how she will view herself. Once a child develops a concept of herself as being shy she will behave in a manner that is consistent with that label. When you label a child as shy you convey to her the message that you don't believe she can behave in a socially skilled manner and that is precisely the way she will continue to develop.

When you change your view of a child from shy to potentially social then your child's expectations become focused on what she can do. Always remember that shy means I believe I cannot. Potentially social means I believe I can.

DESCRIBE BEHAVIOR. Shy children need help defining who they are and what they are capable. In order for them to see themselves realistically and in a positive way, it is important that the adults in their lives describe their behavior without labels. It is very reassuring to a shy child to have a parent or teacher say, "you need time to get used to a new situation, and that's okay. When you are ready you will sit with the other children."

SHY CHILDREN NEED TO EXPERIENCE SOCIAL SUCCESS. A shy child must experience social success in order to come to believe that they can behave in a social manner. When parents and teachers create opportunities for a shy child to succeed, this gives the child the confidence to try again. If we want a child to feel that she is capable of social success we must put her in situations that she can experience social success. It has been customary for shy children to be instructed to get out there and try and act social. The truth of the matter is that they can't. The shy child knows what he or she should do but because she believes deep down that she is shy, she will be unable to do so. When you are first beginning to work to improve a shy child's social skills and confidence, a social success could include smiling at another child, sitting at a table with another child, or handing a crayon to a fellow student. A child must begin small in order to build confidence to continue to make more and more social attempts.

BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR POSITIVE SOCIAL INTERACTIONS. Begin to focus on what your child can do. When you see your child carrying out any positive social gesture, however small, take note of it. This new way of looking at your child will naturally occur when you begin to see her as potentially social, and stop focusing on the ways that she is shy.

QUIET REINFORCEMENT. Following any positive social gesture, at the first private opportunity, quietly reinforce your child. Let your child know how proud you were of the fact that she walked into the classroom all by herself and tell her how proud she should feel that she said hello to the teacher. When recognized with positive attention, these seemingly small social gestures go a long way to show the shy child that behaving in a social manner is not only possible but it can be enjoyable and less pressure-filled than she may have previously thought

Strategies for Helping a Shy Child

1. Know and Accept the Whole Child. Being sensitive to the child's interests and feelings will allow you to build a relationship with the child and show that you respect the child. This can make the child more confident and less inhibited.
2. Build Self-Esteem. Shy children may have negative self-images and feel that they will not be accepted. Reinforce shy children for demonstrating skills and encourage their autonomy. Praise them often. "Children who feel good about themselves are not likely to be shy" (Sarafino, 1986, p. 191).
3. Develop Social Skills. Reinforce shy children for social behavior, even if it is only parallel play. Honig (1987) recommends teaching children "social skill words" ("Can I play, too?") and role playing social entry techniques. Also, opportunities for play with young children in one-on-0one situations may allow shy children to become more assertive (Furman, Rahe, and Hartup, 1979). Play with new groups of peers permits shy children to make a fresh start and achieve a higher peer status.
4. Allow the Shy Child to Warm Up to New Situations. Pushing a child into a situation which he or she sees as threatening is not likely to help the child build social skill. Help the child feel secure and provide interesting materials to lure him or her into social interactions (Honig, 1987).
5. Remember That Shyness Is Not All Bad. Not every child needs to be the focus of attention. Some qualities of shyness, such as modesty and reserve, are viewed as positive (Jones, Cheek, and Briggs, 1986). As long as a child does not seem excessively uncomfortable or neglected around others, drastic interventions are not necessary.

Written By: Mrs. Bhagyashree Saptaputre. I am computer teacher (C.B.S.E) & educational counsellor. I have done M.C.M (masters of computer management) from( D.A.V.V.) M.P (indore).Counseling course from S.N.D.T Mumbai university. bsaptaputre28@gmail.com